Going back and looking through my old "parenting" posts, I kind of want to re-categorize them all as "pre-baby parenting naivety" or something like that. I kind of even want to delete a few old posts, they're that bad. I feel embarrassed for my pre-baby self! She didn't have a clue. It's not her fault, she meant well, but...she didn't have a clue.
Here's what I would say if I could write a letter to myself before I had little miss Avery...
*does Craig Ferguson skit of pulling out pen to dramatically pretend to write a letter as my disembodied voice reads aloud the contents of the letter*
Dear Mrs. Epic,
Congratulations! You're about to embark on the most EPIC journey of your life. And, holy crap, is it going to be crazy. Wonderful. And crazy.
Let me start by saying that every gee-golly word of every listicle you ever read that pissed you off by saying you're clueless and you have no idea and it'll be 100X harder than you can ever imagine and all that--every word is true. True, true, true. Sorry to burst your bubble. Your maternity leave is going to be NO vacation. You won't while away the hours blissfully cuddling your cherubic new baby in peaceful euphoria. You'll spend many days unshowered, holding her snoring self while you are covered in spit-up, binge-watching Parks & Rec to maintain your sanity while ugly-crying and eating everything in sight. It's gonna happen. You won't finish reading the book you started before you had the baby in the WHOLE FLIPPING 12 WEEKS of maternity leave. You won't even get halfway through! You're going to be walking through a hazy dreamlike state for 3 months where everything happens too slow and too fast at the same time. It can turn on a dime, too--one minute is utter bliss, everything is magically going right and you think you are getting the hang of this parenting thing, and then the next minute it all comes crashing down in a poopy spit-up crying mess.
I am being a little overly dramatic, of course, because you actually ROCK childbirth (all the nurses were using that exact phrasing), you hold your head up and get through the tough beginning days when the breastfeeding ship crashes and burns, and you do constantly question yourself and whether you're doing things right and whether you basically suck as a mom, but yet you actually pretty much rock motherhood, too. As much as anyone else who cares about their kid does. You aren't the perfect mom, and you don't do things the way you thought you would, and survival mode and getting through each moment as it comes is the rule of the day, every day. But you do a great job. And you worry too much all along the way, and I still worry too much now, and I know it, but this has always been a part of our personality, hasn't it? Oh, well. Let's just admit we're a bit neurotic in a vacuum, and parenting only amplifies it. No way around that.
Also, Avery is the most awesome baby ever. She isn't perfect--no baby is--but she is awesome, and you have that to look forward to. She is a very forgiving teacher, I have to say, for being your first. She is mellow, she goes with the flow, she rolls with the punches, and has a generally sunny demeanor that makes every moment feel like a little miracle. She is more alert and aware than any baby of her age that you've ever seen. So, she's basically going to be the most geniusy genius who ever geniused. Yet with way better social skills than Sheldon Cooper. So, just remember all that in the moments when, as she gets a little older and her needs get needier, she airs her frustrations a little louder and more forcefully. No, she doesn't hate you. No, you're not a bad mom. She's just found her lungs, but not her words, and it's just going to be like this sometimes. This bit is as much for the me of right now and the me of the future as it is for you, darling!
So, every warning and bit of advice you heard and read was basically right, huh? Well, guess what--so was every platitude about your heart being outside your body and how amazing and mind-bogglingly wonderful it would be, too. Having a beautiful baby that you and your hubby made really is the bee's knees. There's nothing quite like it. You will be totally, completely, indescribably in love.
It's awesome. Enjoy it. And try not to sweat the small stuff, because there's so much small stuff that you would be constantly sweating, and that's totally gross. You have enough gross stuff on your hands these days...literally...
Love,
Future Mrs. Epic
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