parenting: on being a girl-mom.

Happy New Year!

I don't exactly have any "resolutions" for this year--I'll have enough to be getting on with in 2015, thankyouverymuch. But I have been recently thinking about some psychological self-improvements I need to make for the sake of being the best Mama Epic to baby Avery I can be.

I recently read this HuffPost piece, written by mom-blogger Pig and Dac, and it REALLY hit home. I won't summarize the whole thing--you should really go read it--but let's just say it's a personal account illustrating some things I've been chewing on.

It's going to be tough to be a mom to a girl. Being a girl brings with it so much baggage. And I'm still figuring out what to do with mine.

Image VIA

I was raised in a very different way than Avery is going to be raised. I thank Science that she's not going to have to deal with some of the limitations and absurdities I've had to. We have every intention to teach her that her body is her own, and it is her own responsibility, and it is hers to do with as she wishes. There are certainly a few values about health and well-being we hope to pass along to her, but we won't be forcing the rules, restrictions, and bizarre religious precepts onto her that I had forced onto me. I want to teach her to be careful, but not to fear her own womanhood or the supposed evil and destruction it could potentially bring down on her. I certainly won't be touting some sort of sick delusion of purity combined with the confusing pressure to be attractive. I don't know how I'll manage to address and break through all of those midwestern cultural norms, but somehow I will.

But. My ideals may be built on ground I feel very good and solid on, but my self-esteem is still damaged from years of being brought up in such a different place than I've landed as an adult. Intellectually, I am firm in my convictions, but emotionally and psychologically, the scars are still there.

I've made huge leaps in that department already, especially owing to the help of Mr. Epic, but I still have issues with body image, self-confidence, and a massive inferiority complex. Being confident does not come naturally to me. Being accepting and forgiving of myself doesn't, either. When I look in the mirror, I certainly don't hate what I see as much as I did when I was younger, but I still have to consciously remind myself sometimes that my inner self-criticisms are silly and don't matter. That my worth is not based on how I look or how others treat me, but on what I do. Who I am is what I do.

I want Avery to look at me and see someone far, far different than who I saw when I looked at my mom when I was a little girl. I want her to see someone who is smart, strong, and, though imperfect, not afraid to face her imperfections. I want her to see someone who values the pursuit of knowledge and acting on convictions over physical attractiveness and adherence to social norms. I want her to see that her dad and I are equal partners in all things, and that she lives in a world where her gender doesn't have to limit or define her.

But to be this person I want Avery to see, to set this example for her, I'm going to have to be a better version of myself. I'm going to have to snap out of some lazy habits that I hide behind for comfort, and act on the convictions that I hold. I'm going to have to practice what I preach, and walk the walk. That means consciously working to let go of unnecessary insecurity, habitual deference, and comfortable apathy and passivity.

I want Avery to be raised in an environment that gives her what she needs to fly, instead of tethering her to the ground or locking her safely away in a cage. But to do that, I have to make some big changes myself. I need to live up to my nickname and really be EPIC. Not from a place of pressuring myself, but from a place of inspiration to strive to be better. And not just for Avery, but also for me.