While I have been told time and again and fully recognize that parenthood is very difficult, and that it generally is more difficult than most parents-to-be expect, I kind of resent this breed of repetitive posts on the topic.
On the surface, these posts generally imply that the writers are looking out for us n00bs, offering helpful and heartfelt advice and warnings so we won't be ill-prepared. But what they really seem to be doing is rubbing in your face that your existence is about to become miserable, and because they have experienced such before you, they have the
And the way the writers nearly all assume that all of those who are not yet parents have the same identical unrealistic expectations? It's demeaning, frankly. It makes the seasoned parents writing these articles sound as silly as the hapless pre-parents they are supposedly addressing.
So here is MY spin:
1. We will all react to the stress of parenthood in the same way.
I truly believe that we really can exercise a great deal of choice in how we react to stressful situations. So, though I'm historically very susceptible to hormones and anxiety, I'm trying to prepare myself for the stresses of parenthood by having very low expectations and being ready to cut myself, baby, and hubby lots of slack. I don't have plans, because I know they blow up in your face when you're in the thick of things. Instead, I have a few parenting goals, but I have no delusions about the fact that I may meet few of them--I'm prepared to be flexible and to do whatever works. No beating myself up over it. No elaborate visions of what parenthood will look like. Just a mostly-blank slate and the willingness to go with the flow and learn all I can along the way.
I know this is not the case for everyone. No two people react to the hardships and stresses of parenting an infant in the exact same way! But you're doing prospective parents a disservice by assuming you know how they'll all react in the face of it all. It's just like any other stressful situation--no two people process or handle things exactly the same, and even one given person may have very disparate reactions to different types of situations.
2. We are all coming at parenthood from the same situations.
While I know that nothing fully prepares you for the challenges of new parenthood--everyone tells you this all the time--the life situation of the new parents in question can undoubtedly play a role in how they cope. If you live somewhere remote, with no friends or family living nearby (or if you are strong-willed and refuse to give in to asking for help), you're going to find yourself at your wit's end sooner. On the other hand, if you live a stone's throw from friends and/or family members who would be willing and available to pop over and give you a break so you can shower and take a nap, you're going to have a completely different perspective. The level of support you have, the job and money stresses you may or may not have weighing on you, and all sorts of other external factors can play into how you handle new parenthood. The experience just won't be the same from one person to the next based on the specifics of each person's situation.
3. We all have identical, insane expectations about parenting.
Some parents-to-be do expect parenthood to be all puppies and kittens and rainbows. And some of us don't. We're not all wearing rose-colored mommy glasses.
Mr. Epic and I have a pretty extreme difference in general philosophies in life, but I think mine will serve me well in parenthood. He is something of an optimist, though tethered to reality; I am a full-on pessimist who feels comfort knowing that if I always expect the worst to happen, I'm never going to be caught off-guard by it. While that may sound like a miserable way to live, I do try to temper it with some common sense when I can manage, but it's a trait that was ingrained in me by my pessimist mom from the get-go. I don't plan to try to pass that along to Avery--she can develop her own philosophical bent--but I can say that it will play into my parenting style. Don't misunderstand--I don't live in a constant fog of gloom, Eeyoring about and dampening every happy or even mundane event with my pessimism. It's more like a personal defense mechanism that is constantly running in the background of my brain. So right now, preparing for our infant to be born, I'm assuming I'm going to have tons of trouble breastfeeding and it may not work out at all--at the very least it will be a painful uphill battle. I'm not even making a "birth plan" because I'm expecting some kind of difficulty or other that will make my plan fly out the window--so I'm just going to have a couple of loose, flexible goals to shoot for. When Avery is here, I'm going to always assume she will have at least 3 blowouts anytime we go out in public, so I will always have about a week's worth of spare clothes, diapers, wipes, and other accoutrements packed in the car for safekeeping.
Let's just say we're not all planning on this parenting gig being a walk in the park.
4. Every baby / toddler / kiddo is exactly the same.
Avery may turn out to be an evil hell spawn from the depths of Gehenna, a sweet little easy-going cherub...or something in between. We don't know yet--it's still a big fat mystery who this little wiggle worm in my uterus will turn out to be. But I'm keeping an open mind and anticipating that she will be in charge for awhile--I've got to learn to follow her lead and figure out who she is and what her long game is before I can take the reins of the situation myself and be the boss. Because babies, like magical little snowflakes, vary as widely as their grown-up counterparts. Go figure!
Case in point: Mrs. W has two little kiddos of her own, and they are in many ways like night and day. Her firstborn is like Sheldon Cooper incarnate; while precocious and not a perfect little angel, she is smarter than the rest of us combined and was always quite independent and a pretty easy baby. Her little brother came along, though, to shake things up--he's shy where sis is outgoing, he's needy where sis is independent, and he's all-around an entirely different can o'worms for Mr. and Mrs. W to figure out. So no cut-and-dry "10 things..." list would ever describe both of their parenting adventures without crazy outliers in all directions. Babies, while sharing most of the same needs and developmental stages and other characteristics, are still people, and are varied as such.
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I'm sure I could think of other points to make. And I'm sure I could be eating my words in a few months because Avery could fit the bill for every damn one of those posts I'm whining about.
But, here's the thing. I don't think these posts are actually written addressing parents-to-be. I think they are a reverberation of can-I-get-an-amen sent from stressed out, sleep-deprived parents to other stressed out, sleep-deprived parents. They just want a pat on the back and an "I feel ya" from others who are also mired in the difficulties of parenting young kids. And there's nothing wrong with that! But I think their approach could use some tweaking, and the way they make blanket statements about how the parenting experience will be for all parents is a little weak. So, the next time a seasoned parent is tempted to scare a pregnant lady into oblivion with horror stories, I'd like to see them reconsider and come out with something more along the lines of:
"Parenting is hard. I'm sure you've heard that before. But it's not the same experience for any two people, so don't let other parents spook you. Just know it's going to take some hard work and dedication and FLEXIBILITY for you to hit your stride and figure out what works for your family. And if it seems like you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel? Get a babysitter and take a nap, go to a movie, go to McDonalds by yourself--just take a break once in a while and don't try to always do it all on your own if you have other options!"
Feel free to offer your babysitting services to that panicky preggo while you're at it. Maybe later when her kid is a little older and her head is above water she'll return the favor!
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