pregnancy: counting down to the gender reveal.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we are planning to find out Baby Epic's gender, as long as the kid isn't being too shy and allows us to catch a glimpse of the goods at our next ultrasound. The big day is next Thursday, just over a week away, and we couldn't be more excited.

This whole pregnancy thing is going to feel 250% more real when we find out what our baby's gender is. We'll be able to stop referring to the kid as an "it" and instead actually use the gender-appropriate pronouns...and his/her NAME. That feels pretty big. That makes Baby Epic sound much less like a parasitic stowaway in my uterus and much more like an actual person. Holy COW.

We're also excited to paint an accent wall in the nursery, create a baby registry or two, and other little odds and ends we'll do once we know the gender. It's kind of like getting an early Christmas present for the both of us, and it will be a nice mid-pregnancy gift to give us some more excitement and momentum as we wait through the second half.

I'm not one to put much stock in pregnancy intuition or whatever, so I don't take this very seriously myself, but lately I've been kind of feeling like I'm having a...girl. I haven't told Mr. Epic yet. At the beginning of my pregnancy I just sort of randomly guessed I'd be having a boy, but I suppose I've sort of been picking up some kind of vibe that it's actually a girl. If I turn out to be wrong, I will not be a bit surprised, but of course if I find out I'm right, I will claim to be an adept psychic and may consider printing up business cards for my new psychic side business. (jk.)

I will absolutely, without an ounce of doubt, 100% be thrilled either way, boy or girl. I am completely neutral on the subject and have no preference. That said, I've put some thought into what might be tricky about raising a kid of either gender. I certainly wouldn't say I think one would be easier than the other. A lot of what we associate with gender is cultural hooey anyway. But I do think there will be tricky parts to either one, at least pertaining to the Epic family's parenting approach.

If we're having a girl, there will be baggage that I will have to try to be careful not to bring into my relationship with my daughter or my approach in raising her. I have to be a more confident, not-caring-about-my-appearance, not-down-on-myself, not-needy-or-passive-aggressive woman if that's what I want my daughter to become. I have to lead her by example. And hoo, boy, it won't be easy for me to try to stay on top of my game like that. I'll also have to deal with the weird baggage left behind by my weird relationship with my mom. Without opening that very large can of worms...let's just say, when I was younger she and I had a very tough time. I don't want that for my daughter, but I also don't want to be a paranoid basket case, always thinking, Would my mom have done/said that? If so, I need to do the opposite! Kind of a weird tightrope to walk.

And there's the whole thing of being a girl. I recently read an NPR article that was some interesting food for thought. It was about the color pink, and how it represents how we both encourage and denigrate girlhood. We send such mixed signals to girls. I mean, I find myself liking "guy stuff," but then that begs the question--why do we feel like only "guy stuff" is worthwhile, and "girl stuff" is silly and vapid and worthless? Why do girls have to make themselves more like guys to be taken seriously? I don't know...it's confusing and makes me think in circles, but I know I don't like it.

On the other hand, if we're having a boy, we'll feel that we are responsible for raising him in a way that grounds him in attitudes that don't always fit with the norm. We will want to be careful to teach him how to treat others, how to be sensitive to others' feelings, how to treat girls and women--a slippery slope because we'll want him to respect them and their boundaries but also treat them as equals and not as weak or different. Mr. Epic is what I like to think of as an exceptionally highly evolved male example in this department, so I am hoping that teaching our son to be the same won't be too difficult. But at the same time, I feel that I'm going to be ever-vigilant of the relationship between Mr. Epic and Baby Epic if he is a boy, because I could see Mr. Epic viewing Baby as his "mini-me" and having expectations of him sometimes that are not always fair. Just because Mr. Epic turned out to be a nearly exact replica of his own father does not mean our son would do the same--he would be inheriting traits from me that are far different from Mr. Epic's. So, basically, as I've told Mr. Epic, I am worried he could become a "Tiger Mom" towards our potential son. I'll always be concerned that might happen, and be ready to jump to baby boy's defense if he decides to be a hippie artist instead of an ambitious physicist.

Perhaps I'm a bit neurotic, mulling over these gender issues already. Whether we have a boy or a girl, for quite a while such philosophical matters won't really come into play much when it comes to taking care of Baby Epic. I realize that. But I can't help but chew on abstract thoughts like these. They're about all I have to pass the time until I know what the baby's gender is! Then, when I finally find out next week, I can devote more of my brain to the unavoidable giddiness of knowing. I'm pretty stoked for that part of the whole gender-finding-out thing, all deep thoughts aside!